Monday Mama Montage Vol. 1

Greetings lovelies :)

       Can I just say that I love Mondays. Mondays are just so full of hope.  Hope for the week ahead, hope that I will grow in love, hope that there is grace and new mercies, hope that I can be inspired and refreshed.  Mondays are going to be a time where I become present with where I am in motherhood and the joys and trials that come along with that. And what better way to become present with my emotions and thoughts than sitting with hot grande caramel macchiato from SB and peering out into the beautiful pink painted sky. (Got a little caught in the moment there...)

       So...Riley Mae is coming up on O-N-E, which has sent me into what I like to call, well reminiscing/watching videos of Riley as a little babe, and getting all sappy over her. Yeah. Whatever that is called, I am doing it. :) Its crazy to me though that literally we made it through a year.  The very task/occupation/motherhood thing/the very job I didn't think that I would survive, I did.  Okay okay you other moms out there I know it is only a year, but I am proud and I am thankful.  Thankful that I can look back a photos and see my baby girl's growth, and thankful that she is a healthy baby who is developing well and that I love being home with her.  Let me say that again.  I love being home with her.

     Join me for a minute or two while I take you on a quick journey through the reasons why I can even say that I love being a SAHM. (Stay-at-home-mom) It just sounds so cool and official. Now I have heard time and time again that there is really never a right time to have children, and  I realize that purely getting pregnant is a blessing from the Lord but I must say that I Ashley Marie Collins was not ready.  I say that proudly because this is my story, the good and the bad emotions that have come from my story I think have helped others and will help others in the future.  

I was not a prepared Mama.  

        What I mean by that is Riley was more or less a little present from Jesus. I refuse to say surprise because come on people I was in between BC's. Ha!  Okay so that played a huge role in my unpreparedness. Mentally I was getting ready to finish prerequisites for Physician Assistant school.  I had dreams ya'll!   A baby was not in my five year plan. 10 year plan maybe, but not five.  I was pretty distraught for awhile in the first part of pregnancy and yes it took a whole lot of soul searching, prayer and meditation to really find happiness and contentment. 


         I literally thought I was pretty darn mature for my age but I will tell you I had such a selfish mindset  and I quickly learned through pregnancy and now having a babe that I am now on a different maturity level.  I feel like Riley matured me faster than anything I have ever experienced because I was giving life to a tiny human.  Growing a person and preparing for raising her!  I was learning to give up certain foods, activities and thoughts all for the greater good of this little human that was a gift from Jesus.  Immaturity: "Behavior that is appropriate to someone younger." Yes to this definition!

The Battle of The Mind//Body out of Whack!

         I was very much hormonally messed up after Riley arrived, but I wouldn't blame all of my crazy on just physiology.  I was still grieving a lot of things that I truly felt like I was giving up for this little tiny person.  And yes for sure there are things that I have given up, but I wouldn't even word it like that anymore...cue: maturity. haha. But seriously maturity. Examples:   Going home early from dinner because my little babe is tired, forgoing invites because Riley is sick, not going out on late night spur of the moment motorcycle ride with my husband. These thoughts and many other thoughts like them big and small were plaguing my mind in the beginning.  I felt so overwhelmed that everything had changed, I had given up so much and was battling a lot in my mind.  I was so focused on myself and this huge life change that it took some time to really feel connected to Riley.  I loved her, don't get me wrong!  I birthed that kid all natural and cried when her little tiny self came out into this world, but dang has this been the hardest transition of life!  This bundle has given me life! I brought life into the world and she breathed life in me.  I stuck through the hard times, the sleepless nights, the crying and grieving of this huge change and yet God met me in that.  God met me in my mind and ministered to me.  The darkness did not last and Riley's smiles and perfect healthy body brought me to my knees so many times for my selfish immature thoughts.  At times this still feels shameful and so embarrassing and wrong to even share the utter selfishness of my beginning-of-motherhood experience, but it wouldn't have made the NOW feel as sweet.  I am so thankful for those dark times in my mind where literally I felt the immaturity being ripped from the depths of me.  Woah.  But seriously this is my story, this is what I have learned, I wouldn't change it because I love what is has done to me.  I love what I have learned and how I have changed.  The very change I feared so much has allowed me to experience a love that still brings tears to my eyes. A love I now experience everyday. My beautiful baby girl who I adore so much, my love, my flesh and blood.  THAT is why I love staying at home and THAT is where I am in Motherhood right now.