Having one of 'Those' days.

I find it difficult, days where Riley is just not herself for whatever reason, to not have thoughts about going back to work. "Work" for the past 14 months has taken on such a new meaning to me.  Days are now filled with unpredictable meltdowns, monotony, and pure bliss and overwhelming joy.  Days are just different being at home because there is no schedule, things just happen, and my time revolves around my daughter and helping her learn and play.  I love it, but I am having one of 'those' days.

I recently picked up an application at a nearby private school to possibly begin to substitute teach.  I have been putting it off for quite some time because I feel like 'staying at home' is what I do and who I am now.  I felt like if I was interested in 'going back to work' I would be letting Riley down somehow.  Like letting someone else take on the responsibility of 'my job' to go out and work would be wrong.

Back story:  I am a guilt-driven person, not a high point in my character-but I am working on it.  I have struggled with asking people to watch Riley in the past-even for a few hours, or even without the proper 1 week in advance thing, for fear that I would be judged somehow.  I know Mom's need breaks and all that, but I kind of have this, well if I am able to stay home because my husband provides that for me, why should I be able to get away from my kid, 'my work' and that be okay?

Literally this goes on in my mind-more than I would like to admit.  I know though that when I really break it down, most people drive to work- (time to themselves), drive home, (time to themselves), have certain day in day out expectations- (set schedule, actual praise for accomplishments), and maybe there own office, (time to themselves).  Breaking it down like this makes me feel a little better. Again, pardon my guilty way of thinking here-I am working on it.  If you do not struggle with this, I would love to hear some of your inner thoughts in the comments below.

Now, here is my other rational:  Prior to getting pregnant, I did not have a career, I was working on that part of my life, but it did not come (the way I expected at least.) I always have wanted to work, provide, make money, grow in a career, help others, and interact with people, but that plan has now been shifted a bit.  I had been working as an aide for a physical therapist for a few years while marrying Drew and then getting pregnant.  I definitely want to continue to be the primary caretaker for Riley, but I need more.

I say all of this treading very lightly because I realize that my life is incredible.  I GET to stay home, I have a kid.  I am super thankful.  Many cannot because they have to work to provide.  Mom and Dad are both providing financially to pay the bills.  I get that, and I am totally not saying that I am NOT grateful for the beautiful gift of staying home.  I am merely saying that I want to experience more, interact more, and I would love for my daughter to experience the same.

I always see her light up when we have playdates, she gets to go to a family members house, or when she plays with her cousins.  She loves variety and she loves people.  I cannot tell you how much she LOVES people.  Sidebar: Literally this happens when we go out to run errands-She will be all fussy in the car for whatever reason, we get inside the store and she is nothing but smiles, blowing kisses and waving to everyone that passes by. She loves people.

Now that she is older and is much more independent of me, I feel a little better about leaving her with someone else.  I think she needs more interaction than what I am giving her, and I think she needs more of a variety.  I guess what I am still struggling with is who to leave her with.  In order for it to really make sense, it would probably need to be family.  Substitute teaching especially at a private school is not going to pay me a lot of money.  If Riley goes to daycare for a few hours, I may end up cutting even.  I am not sure if that part bothers me enough to just not do it.  But then, do you force family to take your money even though they are telling you they don't want it?  They are doing a job and all-which requires a lot of energy, their time, and their sanity.

This is all a big blog of worrying, and questioning and a lot of unknown.  I know there are a lot of you out there that I am sure have a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to give.  Whether you stay at home, homeschool, work, do not work, daycare, or whatever-please write your thoughts below.


Here is how I would sum it all up in a few questions:
If I start working, is it okay to just do it for the experience for myself, allowing some break time from Riley, and Riley some interaction for her?

If I go back to work, should it only be if I can bring home enough to not only cover Riley's care, but that my husband can cut something out of his schedule so her can see Riley more?

Contemplative